What is a Piers Morgan and what is it for?

Despite what some people believe (and what I may have said in the past), it is not intrinsically in my nature to hate people. By my accounts, I stay wholeheartedly ambivolent to everyone until they do something to sway me one way or the other. These acts can the tiniest of thing such as simply smiling at me as I collect my groceries or, conversely, smiling like a slimy bastard. The latter may not even be a conscious crime however it is one that Piers Morgan is guilty of nonetheless. As this post's title may imply, I'm unsure of what the point of him is. For those of you unfamiliar with his work, I shall unpack it.

Piers started his career as a journalist, working for such papers as the Sun, the News of the World and the Mirror. Deplorable roles but not condemnable in of themselves. He became known for his invasive style and seemingly nonexistent concern for anyones privacy. He survived several scandals including investing money in a computer company before one of his papers articles increased it's share price, printing the headline "Achtung! Surrender!" before an England Germany football game, and publishing faked photos of Iraqi prisoners being abused. He then ventured into the world of television where, after a failed chat show, he joined the panel of one of the much loved 'laugh at the deluded morons then cry at the deluded morons with a heartwarming story' genre of programs, Britain's Got Talent. Having almost never watched the show, I am unaware of whether he was one of these 'love to hate' style celeb-rat-ies that seems to be so popular in modern entertainment. I don't suppose when King Herod murdered all the newborn Jews, people stood around and said "Oh, that Herod's so awful, but I just can't stop watching him throw babies into the river." After Britain's Got an awful lot of crap for you to mock but also some Talent, Piers went on to host several ITV chat shows, as well as one in the USA, where he continues to show and unhealthy interest in the lives of anyone with more talent than him.

And so my question is this: Why? Why these things? Why do I know his name? Why is his perfectly punchable face paraded on tv where noone can actually reach it to give him what he deserves? Is he really so popular? Even in the recent climate of hating journalists for the whole phone hacking scandal, of which Piers Morgan was a central part of, he remains a figurehead. In fact, his defence to the Leveson enquiry into the whole scandal was somewhat comically undermined by evidence showing he had a workable knowledge of it happening and how to do it from a lunch with Jeremy Paxman, a recorded interview with Charlotte Church and his own autobiography. Not only a criminal but an incompetent one. Yet we the public have somehow deemed him fit to quiz our favourite actors and musicians on our behalf. Even more comical are his well publicised feuds with other celebrities: with Ian Hislop who accused Piers of seeing photographers outside his house after he was rude to him, to which Piers rebutted "Next time you wont see them."; With Alan Sugar, mostly conducted over Twitter; And with Jeremy Clarkson, the funniest part of which must be a drink throwing fight during the last flight of Concorde. He has also banned celebs from his shows for perceived slights, including Madonna, Hugh Grant and Kelsey Grammar (apparently he doesn't like tossed salad and scrambled eggs).

In truth, the only thing Piers has ever done right, in my opinion, is to get into a fight with an American pro-gun nut and subsequently outrage a large amount of armed patriots. Maybe not the smartest move but a commendable one. There followed a petition of over 100,000 people who think that the way to stop school shootings is to have bigger and louder guns to get Piers deported. A counter petition was launched from the UK arguing that 1, his views were protected under the First Amendment, 2, "noone in the UK wants him back", and 3, it's "hilarious to see how loads of angry Americans react".

Thus I have reached this conclusion: Piers Morgan is a wizard. He has placed a spell on the entire country to make him seem likable and make television executives want to give him airtime. I am only immune because I'm so cynical and bitter that his magic just makes me hate him all the more.

Or maybe he's one of those lizard-men...



Surviving the Apocalypse Tip #21: Wondering whether there's anything left of people inside their zombie counterpart? Who cares? Ethical conundrums are for people without shotguns.

Racists might get their point across better if they weren't so hilarious.

I've been enjoying watching the progress of one of the latest internet memes, "My Tram Experience". If you haven't seen it, it is both terrible and horrific. Terrific, if you will. Do look it up. It involves a woman sitting on a London tram with her son on her lap, shouting, swearing and complaining about the "loads of black people and load of f**king Polish". After becoming a Youtube sensation, it led to public outrage on social media and the papers and her eventually being charged with a racially aggravated public order offence.

Now, the incongruous nature of her outburst from a social and legal aspect is clear to all, and already widely discussed in the media and by such upright political figures as Piers Morgan (don't get me started on him, that's a whole different rant). This is not what I'm interested in. I'm interested in how she looks when she does it. I've never personally listened to the crazed ramblings of a stranger on public transport and thought 'Hmm, how very astute. Perhaps I ought to change my whole outlook on life'. It's certainly a curious form of social address. I imagine more people would watch BBC Parliament if Ed Miliband stood up and started raving about "all the f**king Tories. Why don't you go get your own house of commons?". I know I would.

You see it quite often. I'm sure in part it's deliberate by the TV stations, picking the weirdos to comment on a groups attitudes towards immigration, but it happens with such regularity. Any news coverage of a BNP or EDL rally is always coupled with footage of a twenty-something skinhead whose own grasp of English grammar is barely enough to tell foreigners to learn the language. One I particularly enjoyed has become a meme himself. A fine young English gentleman, who went on a march because he wanted "Britain to be back British" has had his mangled explanation of immigration pitch shifted and put to music. Google "Muslamic Ray Guns" and enjoy a bit of 'racist'-ism.

I honestly find it hard to be appalled at racists when they're so humourous. It's a wonder anyone took Hitler seriously when he went into politics from being a Charlie Chaplin impersonator.



Surviving the Apocalypse Tip #41: Always plan for the worst case scenario. Have a friend poised to put you down when you start to turn, or just keep quiet and enjoy it. You might like the taste of brains.

When Nouns Attack! (Or become verbs).

Much to the disgust of many an English-conservationalist pedant, I am a great fan of the evolution of language. Slang has always been a influence on common speech and some of the greatest literary minds have absolutely butchered the language and then sewn it back together in a manner they saw fit. I'm pretty sure Shakespeare made up at least half of the words he used, filling the rest out with brand new idioms and bloody murder.

I hear people complaining about the state of the "youth patois", claiming they disgrace our mother tongue with the use of words such as "Innit" and "Bredrin" but I for one salute these modern poets. Who else could have combined the words 'Relax' and 'Chill' to create a word more powerful than the two separately or even together? Only the other day, as I was chillaxing with my home-dogs, it occurred to me that in years to come, we may all have cribs and rides and threads. I know I will.

Another of my favourite etymological phenomenons is the verbing of nouns. For those not familiar with this process, let me explain:

Step 1.
Take one noun, e.g. top-hat

Step 2.
Add "ing" to the end of it, e.g. top-hatting

Step 3.
Use it in a sentence, e.g. "Are you still top-hatting that girl from the library?"

It's honestly that simple. And the beauty of the technique is that it doesn't even have to make sense. The way in which it is used implies the meaning. Whilst my example suggests some kind of sexual practise, it need not be for you.

But I am by no means one of the first users of this glorious mechanism. For many years now we've been texting, blogging, trending, friending, facebooking, IMing and noone bats an eye. The most genius usage of this has to be from the corporate sector. In 1908, W. H. Hoover lent his name to fabulous floor-sucking device and it soon became a household verb. Dyson tried to muscle in late on the scene but with no success. Nobody wants to do the dysoning. I like to imagine the people at Tupperware trying a similar ploy but I have no facts to back this up. The internet is rife with examples, Twitter practically writing their own Twictionary to twefine all the new twords one needs. But the undisputed master of the genre has to be, the all powerful, Google.

Despite not being a real word, the very name of Google seems to imply looking for something, being so close to oogle & oggle, with the double O of look whilst also being reminiscent of binoculars. They master the scene with people googling left, right and centre, no matter what search engine they use. Bing, Yahoo and Ask all fall short and tumble into the category with Dyson. Personally, I've started googling in real life. Googling for my keys, googling for some dinner in Tesco, googling my friends brains for a two-way blogversation. I fear I am alone in the curious venn diagram of eccentricity but it doesn't really bother me.

I am, however, hoping the world may catch up with me, verbing everything possible. Those who do will be Daving, will have Daved and shall forever more Dave.

Thanks for top-hatting.



Surviving the Apocalypse Tip #77 : When choosing provisions, remember to stock up on non-spoiling items. It takes experience to know that a sandwich gaffa taped to the back of a cupboard is not a good idea.

You don't have enough health points for that.

So I haven't blogged for a bit, due to being at the Edinburgh Festival and being knackered through hard work and hard not work. But to keep my avid followers and my ego (which misguidedly thinks I have avid followers) happy, I'm doing a small post.

Therefore, here is a picture of a dog wearing a kitten as a hat...



...and a poem that I wrote about Batman.

Enjoy. :D


If I Was Batman

If I was Batman, that would be great.
I'd always get to stay up late.
The dark avenger, instrument of fate,
If I was Batman...

If I was Batman, that would be cool,
I'd never have to go to school.
I'd fight the Joker and Ra'z Al-Guhl,
If I was Batman...

If I was Batman, that would be neat,
I'd beat up gangsters on the street,
All the girls falling at my feet,
If I was Batman...

If I was Batman, that would be ace,
Noone would ever see my face.
Disappear into the night without a trace,
If I was Batman...

If I was Batman, I'd be Bruce Wayne,
With a billion dollars and a private plane.
I'd eat caviar and drink champagne,
If I was Batman...

If I was Batman, my parents would be dead,
I'd have Alfred, the butler, instead.
It's possibly worth it, all things considered,
If I was Batman...

If I was Batman, I wouldn't be me,
And I'm pretty awesome as you all can see.
So I'll stay as I am and I think you'll agree,
I'm cooler than Batman.




Surviving the Apocalypse Tip #21 : For the worst case scenario, always keep few people close who are slower and tastier than you.

Anbody know a good spandex seamstress?

I am genuinely quite astonished that there aren't any real life superheroes. I'm not expecting them to be crowding every street corner but with a global population of over 6 billion, you'd expect at least a few. But no. No something-mans or incredible whatevers, not even a human-thingamabob.

Now obviously I'm not expecting any aliens from dying worlds or supernatural powers resulting from radioactive termite bites. Laser eyes are unlikely and telekinesis even more so (unless you're a jedi). But I'd honestly expect to see one or two heroes from the Batman, Iron Man fraternity. Ordinary guys with too much time and/or money who utilize fighting or technology skills in order to help mankind. I have heard it said that batman is symbolic of class warfare: Rich, white male uses inherited wealth to beat up street level criminals; but even if that is the case, my point still stands. Where are the spoilt little rich kids with slightly twisted views on justice, running around in tights and masks? As far as I'm aware, the closest thing we've got are fathers so desperate to get their kids that they feel the only way to prove they are sensible, responsible adults is to dress in lycra and try to climb buildings.

Some of you may be aware that I gave serious thought to filling this void myself a while back. Ever since a Lord of the Rings fancy dress party, I own a cape, and despite lacking any kind of physical combat training and possessing a minimal amount of villain foiling gadgets, I thought I might give a go. Utilising the more theatrical and mysterious sides of hero-dom, I felt I could at very least, get an article in the local paper, and if I was lucky, it would demand my capture and unmasking as all the best vigilante's press does. However my plan fell down slightly at what I would deem the second hurdle (the first being the cape, which I had covered quite stylishly) in that the closest thing to regular street crime in the area I live is small groups of 12 year olds in hoodies. And as satisfying as it may be, beat them up would have given me possibly more bad press than I would prefer.

So, alas, the world remains without a symbol of hope and justice. Maybe one day. Maybe when I've got a robot arm and cybernetic implants in my brain and I lead the revolution against our metallic overlords...


Surviving the Apocalypse Tip #18 : Destroying robots with microwaves is easy. The hard part is getting them to stay in there while you close the door.

Mark Zuckerberg Hashtagged My Girlfriend

Anybody else think that a decent internet connection should be part of our basic human rights?

So I've become a little bit of a professional social networker. Placed in charge on updating a website, facebook page, twitter account, vimeo feed and anything else I can think of that would increase what I believe the trendy professionals would term "groundswell".

I create a video blog that's uploaded to vimeo, which sends an automatic update to twitter saying that I've uploaded a video/vimeo (can I use that as an improper noun?), I then reference this tweet on the facebook page to keep those particular people in the loop, one of them copies the link to that FB post on their twitter account with @s & #s, which I then retweet on the first twitter. Not to mention the constant tagging and references at every possible moment, creating an interweb net big enough to catch a preverbial publicity whale. Not so much going round in circles, more "doing a spyrograph".

And I'm only making it worse with this blog, which I shall post to facebook, retweet to twitter, draw doodles of on post-it notes and stick them to peoples faces, you know, the usual stuff.

One day, when the robots have taken over, blogs will be the new underground revolution. However there'll be no internet so they'll be written on pidgeons and carved into street corners, perhaps becoming more than the such insignificant tripe that for the most part they are now. Not including me of course, I'm a vital cog in the machine of the survival of the human race. And not insane either. My therapist says so.

And on that note...


Surviving the Apocalypse Tip #13 : Ice cold baths are great for hiding from infrared vision. Good luck finding a working freezer.

A rose by any other number would still smell as sweet?

So tomorrow morning I travel up to London to start rehearsals for a musical I'm lighting up in Edinburgh. And the list of people I'm going to be working with is certainly an interesting one. There's someone who the public deemed "not as good as Jedward" (but then the public have always been morons), someone I've never heard of because I don't watch Eastenders and a guy whose professional surname is "7".

Now obviously it isn't unusual for actors, dancers, creative types to have a stage name. I know a guy who swapped his first name and surname round so that he could register with equity. But a numerical character is certainly the other end of the thought train. As far as I understand it, he's a hip-hop/street dancer so I guess it's his right to be a little bit wackier and seemingly more cool than the rest of us. And who knows, maybe it'll catch on. Would certainly make double barrel names easier. Although "John 9-3" sounds a bit like a question from a maths teacher.

In actual fact, for a short while I spelt my name with a silent 3 in the middle. It had no real effect on anything in my life other than adding an extra 20 seconds of explanation to any given conversation. It's an idea that I possibly borrowed from a Milton Jones joke and I didn't exactly apply it in any real situations. A mantra I mostly find to be true is that things that are funny on the internet, not necessarily so in the real world. For example, if a cat genuinely asked you if it can "haz cheeseburger" you'd freak the hell out (or possibly just correct it's grammar).

So I'm sure 7 is a nice guy and not a member of the Borg Collective. And who knows? If non-traditional character names really takes off, maybe my friends &y and K@ won't seem so strange anymore.



Surviving the Apocalypse Tip #7 : Dehydration can be as unpleasant as having your brains chewed on. Drink lots of water.