Despite what some people believe (and what I may have said in the past), it is not intrinsically in my nature to hate people. By my accounts, I stay wholeheartedly ambivolent to everyone until they do something to sway me one way or the other. These acts can the tiniest of thing such as simply smiling at me as I collect my groceries or, conversely, smiling like a slimy bastard. The latter may not even be a conscious crime however it is one that Piers Morgan is guilty of nonetheless. As this post's title may imply, I'm unsure of what the point of him is. For those of you unfamiliar with his work, I shall unpack it.
Piers started his career as a journalist, working for such papers as the Sun, the News of the World and the Mirror. Deplorable roles but not condemnable in of themselves. He became known for his invasive style and seemingly nonexistent concern for anyones privacy. He survived several scandals including investing money in a computer company before one of his papers articles increased it's share price, printing the headline "Achtung! Surrender!" before an England Germany football game, and publishing faked photos of Iraqi prisoners being abused. He then ventured into the world of television where, after a failed chat show, he joined the panel of one of the much loved 'laugh at the deluded morons then cry at the deluded morons with a heartwarming story' genre of programs, Britain's Got Talent. Having almost never watched the show, I am unaware of whether he was one of these 'love to hate' style celeb-rat-ies that seems to be so popular in modern entertainment. I don't suppose when King Herod murdered all the newborn Jews, people stood around and said "Oh, that Herod's so awful, but I just can't stop watching him throw babies into the river." After Britain's Got an awful lot of crap for you to mock but also some Talent, Piers went on to host several ITV chat shows, as well as one in the USA, where he continues to show and unhealthy interest in the lives of anyone with more talent than him.
And so my question is this: Why? Why these things? Why do I know his name? Why is his perfectly punchable face paraded on tv where noone can actually reach it to give him what he deserves? Is he really so popular? Even in the recent climate of hating journalists for the whole phone hacking scandal, of which Piers Morgan was a central part of, he remains a figurehead. In fact, his defence to the Leveson enquiry into the whole scandal was somewhat comically undermined by evidence showing he had a workable knowledge of it happening and how to do it from a lunch with Jeremy Paxman, a recorded interview with Charlotte Church and his own autobiography. Not only a criminal but an incompetent one. Yet we the public have somehow deemed him fit to quiz our favourite actors and musicians on our behalf. Even more comical are his well publicised feuds with other celebrities: with Ian Hislop who accused Piers of seeing photographers outside his house after he was rude to him, to which Piers rebutted "Next time you wont see them."; With Alan Sugar, mostly conducted over Twitter; And with Jeremy Clarkson, the funniest part of which must be a drink throwing fight during the last flight of Concorde. He has also banned celebs from his shows for perceived slights, including Madonna, Hugh Grant and Kelsey Grammar (apparently he doesn't like tossed salad and scrambled eggs).
In truth, the only thing Piers has ever done right, in my opinion, is to get into a fight with an American pro-gun nut and subsequently outrage a large amount of armed patriots. Maybe not the smartest move but a commendable one. There followed a petition of over 100,000 people who think that the way to stop school shootings is to have bigger and louder guns to get Piers deported. A counter petition was launched from the UK arguing that 1, his views were protected under the First Amendment, 2, "noone in the UK wants him back", and 3, it's "hilarious to see how loads of angry Americans react".
Thus I have reached this conclusion: Piers Morgan is a wizard. He has placed a spell on the entire country to make him seem likable and make television executives want to give him airtime. I am only immune because I'm so cynical and bitter that his magic just makes me hate him all the more.
Or maybe he's one of those lizard-men...
Surviving the Apocalypse Tip #21: Wondering whether there's anything left of people inside their zombie counterpart? Who cares? Ethical conundrums are for people without shotguns.
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